The year is 2032…
Joe Biden resigned exactly 2 years and 1 day after his inauguration, under gibberish circumstances, and Kamala Harris has been president for 9 years, winning two hotly contested re-election campaigns against Donald Trump Jr. There is a national assault weapons ban in place, but thanks to the Supreme Court there are no restrictions on magazine capacity, only “features” – which mirror the California AWB that was in place in 2021. Outlaws have resorted to simply drilling the third hole, but you believe better times are ahead and that Gun Owners of America is going to get the ban repealed…soon. Just one more donation will get it done. But until then, you want to buy a rifle for home defense, but don’t understand what your best choice is among the currently legal options.
What did Empress Harris ban?
Well, the national ban follows the California ban exactly, so the banned rifles are anything that accepts a detachable magazine and has 1 “assault weapon” feature. Assault weapons features are:
- (A) A pistol grip that protrudes conspicuously beneath the action of the weapon.
- (B) A thumbhole stock.
- (C) A folding or telescoping stock.
- (D) A grenade launcher or flare launcher.
- (E) A flash suppressor.
- (F) A forward pistol grip
Just for good measure, any AR15 or AK47 variant is banned as well, so that kind of leaves us in a tough spot, right? Plus, Her Majesticness Harris also banned all those AR variants with the flippers and stuff that were designed to get around the Cali ban. She’s clever. Evil, but clever. Ah, not so fast good sir. There are still quite a few options available for a home defense gun even in this dystopian hell-hole that vaguely resembles the USA of yore.
Semiautomatic rifles
Yes, that’s right even while the boots of the state grind us further under their heel, you can still legally buy some semiautomatic rifles, which are still an excellent option for home defense. The Ruger Mini-14 Ranch rifle accepts detachable magazines, but doesn’t have any other scary assault weapons features, so it’s perfectly legal to own. Sure, you can only buy 10 round magazines, but Bill Ruger himself said that no honest man needs more than 10 rounds, so I’m sure when you’re reloading during a home invasion the bad guys will stop and wait for you.
Mini-14 doesn’t really do it for you? What, you didn’t like the A-Team or something? That’s cool. Hey, the civilian version of the M14 is legal too; the Springfield M1A. Plus they’re probably easy to find since all the 3-pie-centers who said the M4 was a poodle shooter have dropped dead of heart disease now. You can probably get a pretty good deal on a former III%er’s M1A that’s in the same condition as a French WW2 rifle: never fired, only dropped once.
You can even get a couple of pistol caliber carbines! The Ruger PC Carbine is available in a state-compliant version, so you can shoot a home intruder with a really big, heavy pistol that doesn’t hold any more ammo than an actual pistol does.
Lever-action rifles
Of course, if you really want to be cool, you can get a lever gun and kill marauders like John Wayne did (except he was just an actor so this reference kind of sucks when you really unpack it). Of course, since you’re JUST NOW buying a rifle and the KHAWB has been in place for almost 10 years, literally everyone has had this idea already so the market for quality lever action guns is completely insane. Henry can’t keep up with demand, and neither can the Ruger/Marlin conglomerate. Sure, you can get an awesome lever-action in .30-30, but it’s going to cost you like $7,000, which after you factor hyperflation works out to about $1000 in 2021 dollars (it’s the future, remember).
If you can find one, a lever gun makes a solid choice for home defense. There’s a reason they ruled the west for so long, and remained popular with hunters and ranchers for years after. Lever guns balance well, are easy to shoot, and quite frankly there are few tactile sensations more satisfying than a well-made lever action.
Bolt-action rifles
There are actually a few really good bolt guns that would work great for home defense, like the Ruger American and Mossberg MVP that accept detachable box magazines, but those are probably going to get banned by the Sniper Rifle Violence Reduction Act next year, so don’t bother, right?
This is the way
Of course, for some reason most shotguns are still legal. Why? Well old Two-Blasts Joe liked them, so the only banned shotguns are ones that accept detachable mags (hasta la vista, Saiga) and semiautos with pistol grips. That means you can get loads of awesome semiauto shotguns including the fantastic Beretta 1301. Just better hope no one tells the Empress that shotguns are probably more effective fighting tools, up close and personal like, than the banned AR15s, or those will be up next on the chopping block.
Do you really need a gun?
But hey, do you really need a gun at all? After all, the Peace Keeper Brigade just sent out a press release that they had just suppressed another dangerous band of right wing radicals, so it sounds like the government is doing a great job of keeping you safe. You’ll be just fine.
