[Warning to “fact checkers“ – Satire to follow]
Small rural community hospitals and nursing centers throughout upstate New York have experienced a sudden rash of boating accidents involving their small supply of ventilators.
Governor Cuomo announced Friday that he would soon be sending the National Guard to seize critical medical equipment from small town hospitals and health facilities in the upstate in order to feed the gaping pestilential maw of NYC. That city is responsible for more than half of the COVID-19 cases in the entire state after local politicians encouraged citizens to ignore the president and go ahead and attend public parades and street parties in honor of the Chinese New Year in February.
“It’s not like those filthy proles in the outer districts deserve healthcare of their own during this crisis”, the governor observed, “The shining jewel that is New York City is much more important than any of those clod-kickers in the upstate. They probably aren’t even educated enough to know how to use a ventilator anyway.”
Governor Cuomo also corrected a reporter’s use of the word “seize”, before donning a Mr Rogers sweater to cover his nipple rings, explaining softly that he was merely “sharing” those supplies … using the military … at gunpoint … comrade.
Upstate citizens meanwhile, having experience with reckless watercraft habits in the wake of the NY SAFE Act immediately scrambled to offer a flotilla of leaky canoes to their local community hospitals.
One local citizen of an undisclosed county recounted that he was minding his own business enjoying an outing with his favorite ventilator when they were overtaken by pirates on Lake Champlain.
“It was horrible. The pirates kidnapped my ventilator and it hasn’t been seen since.”
A critical care physician in Podunkville admitted that he took his facility’s three ventilators out on his fishing skiff just to give them a break during the stressful pandemic, but they got drunk and fell overboard.
“It was an accident. A tragic, tragic accident”, he said while brushing a single manly tear from his eye.
The Governor’s office could not be reached for comment.