Narwhal Tusks for Self-Defense?

Photo from @lostradical via metro.co.uk

The tusk of the Narwhal – once used as a weapon by Greenlanders in bygone days – has seen a moment in the spotlight after hundreds of years.

With the private ownership of firearms and the carrying of knives tightly controlled in Britain, bystanders were reduced to using said narwhal tusk, a fire extinguisher, and fists to subdue a knife-wielding previously convicted terrorist in London a few days ago. 

The terrorist killed at least two innocents before police finally arrived and actually shot the man. Police being the only people in Britain who are apparently too important to use mere melee weapons. The rest of the serf population is left to use whatever they can lay their hands on – including the tusks of seagoing arctic mammals – to defend themselves.

News articles did not state what die score the polish chef rolled in order to get the tusk off the wall in Fishmongers’ Hall and out the door to the bridge. Nor did they mention what his base dexterity score was or whether he used a D8 or D12 for his damage rolls, but he is expected to level up after the deadly encounter.

In Britain, your self-defense is up to a roll of the dice.

Narwhals are protected under the Marine Mammals Protection Act, so it is unlikely there will be a surge in narwhal tusk-carry in Britain, but that doesn’t rule out a burgeoning interest in other medieval weaponry. Pikes, spears, and swords are likely prohibited by Britain’s anti-knife laws, but there are always flails, staves, maces and clubs.

And your friends thought your LARPing was strange hobby. The last laugh is on them. Unfortunately, leaving British citizens’ self-defense up to a roll of the dice is no laughing matter.