Dear Breach Bang Clear, I never thought this would happen to me…But less than thirty minutes after I first tried on a pair of 5.11’s Apex pants, I was getting some. True story.
How did the Apex pants change my evening from humdrum to hot and sweaty? I’m not positive, but it must have been one or all of these features listed on 5.11’s web site:
Internal cargo pouch magazine pockets
Twin back yoke magazine pockets
Flex cuff pocket inside front waist
Handcuff key pocket inside rear waist
Teflon treated to repel stains, soil, and moisture
Fully gusseted crotch
7.2 oz. Flex-Tac™ mechanical stretch canvas
Deep cargo pockets with clean interior finish
Reinforced knife clip area
Seven reinforced belt loops
Bartacking at key stress locations
Genuine YKK® zipper hardware
No woman anywhere – NOT ONE – can control herself in the face of a fully gusseted crotch. In fact, the woman who had her way with me that day didn’t even try to deny that my pants were the cause of her passion (mostly because she’s my wife of over twenty years, and I didn’t ask her because I knew she’d laugh at me). So I’m just going to assume the pants drove her insane with lust.
5.11 put a lot of thought into these pants, and took advice from some pretty heavy hitters in the tactical world. The result is a durable, comfortable, feature-laden garment that’s both practical and unobtrusive if you get them in a non-tactical color. The water repellent Teflon coating is nice, especially lately in southeast Texas (aka “Nam in Monsoon Season”).
When I first pulled the pants out of the box, I first noticed how light they are. They’re, like, running pants light. In fact, well after I was sexually aggressed for wearing Apex pants, I wore them for a three-mile run. They felt no heavier or less comfortable than the new Army-issued running pants, and looked better.
Come to think of it, I got laid after that run too.
BEFORE 5.11 APEX PANTS:
AFTER 5.11 APEX PANTS:
For any weirdos considering them for non-sexual purposes, there’s a ton of nice touches that would make any cop or soldier want to get into these pants (wink wink nudge nudge). The pants are designed to carry up to six more-or-less hidden carbine magazines, and can easily hide more pistol mags than that. Up front at the waistline is a hidden flex cuff compartment, in back are hidden cuff key pouches. The back pockets are “stacked”; further outside are regular wallet pockets, behind those are smaller passport or mag pockets. Inside the flat cargo pockets are two mag pockets. Elastic patches at the hips allow for comfortable in-waistband holster carry. With the addition of an IWB holster, you could easily carry a pistol, six spare mags, flex cuffs, cuff keys, a cell phone, knife and wallet/ID. And it would barely show to the casual observer.
To the non-casual observer, yeah, Apex pants look “tactical”. Cops or certain military folks will ping them as 5.11s, but they’re not mall-ninja security guard pants nor are they Uncle Rico “I wanna relive my 82nd Airborne cook glory days” BDU pants. They just look professional. And since they’re not free, they’re not likely to be bought by people who’d open carry into Chipotle.
Basically, 5.11 Apex pants cover all the bases; they’re comfortable, durable, practical, capable, purpose-built and discrete. Plus, they got me laid like crazy. What else do you greedy bastards want in a pair of pants?
More about 5.11 Tactical, badass begetters of the Apex pant, below.